The former Erotic Review magazine editor answers your sex questions...
QUESTION: When I met my wife she was fun, attractive and naughty in the bedroom. But since we married and had kids she slobs around in a tracksuit, has let her dyed blonde hair revert to its natural mouse and cut it short, as it's 'easier to maintain'. She always seems too tired for sex - not that I really want it with her any more. We are living more as housemates than lovers. Is there anything I can do?
ROWAN SAYS: So, you married Marilyn Monroe, then woke up one day with Waynetta Slob? This is a frequent source of marital disharmony. Indeed, after I offered advice in this column to a woman who said her husband had stopped making love to her after they married, there were numerous online comments from males who suggested the cause may be the wife's own lack of effort.
One man wrote: 'My ex-wife turned into a complete slob after we married. She piled on the weight and when I mentioned it to her she said: "Does it matter? We'll be having kids soon and I'll be putting on weight naturally." I did have children, but not with her.'
Another man said of his ex: 'She put on two stone when we married and she stopped wearing dresses and high heels in favour of combat bottoms, a gilet and masculine shoes.'
There will be quite a few women shifting around uncomfortably as they read these words. I can think of only one wife of my acquaintance who is groomed, feminine and fragrant every day. After 26 years her husband is still as devoted as if she were a child bride. So there's probably a lesson there somewhere.
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="233" caption="Letdown: Since we married she slobs around in a tracksuit... not unlike Waynetta Slob"]
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However, most of us find our vamp alter ego is ever so gradually consigned to high days and holidays after marriage - particularly true when you have small children.
Affectionate marriages generally resolve into an entente cordiale where a little mutual dishevelment is a sign of relaxed intimacy - and you both make an effort when it truly counts. Furthermore, many men I know declare their wives look most beautiful when they're scruffing around in casual clothes and no make-up. So there are no hard and fast rules.
Having said that, I've always thought it's a big danger signal when a woman has children and suddenly cuts her hair and starts dressing asexually. Many men feel threatened enough by the idea that they might be totally supplanted in their wives' affection by babies.
Then there's the question of whether you're criticising your wife for slatternly behaviour, while slumping on the sofa with a beergut and the remote. I'll take it on trust, shall I, that you're the kind of man who religiously clips his nasal hair, works out, helps with the children, and never neglects Valentine's Day or the concept of foreplay?
If so, you have a very justifiable complaint. I do think it's a downright insult to your other half to make no effort to be attractive or vivacious. In such circumstances men often feel relegated to a status somewhat lower than the family hamster.
Some female readers may be getting cross at this point. Women will often cite children, work and domestic drudgery in defence of their more slovenly ways - I've done it myself. But my mother had five children and a pub, yet never put my father second.
How much effort does it really take to occasionally put on some glad rags or nice lingerie or shave your legs? Losing weight is a harder task, but few men are too judgmental about curves if their wives are affectionate and fun.
And is it really beyond any wife's capability to initiate sex sometimes? Surely it's impolite to treat one's husband like a dirty old bed-sock?
So, how to coax your wife out of her tracksuit? It sounds as if she has lost both her personal and sexual self-confidence, so a barrage of criticism will make her feel even more insecure.
Could you plan a special event, such as a night at the theatre, that demands some sartorial effort? Make a fuss about how attractive she looks and how desirable you find her when she dresses up. Ideally, the evening should have an erotic finale.
That should prompt her to put on the razzle more frequently. And how about a little light flirtation around the house? Banter, caresses and direct eye contact are the lifeblood of relationships, but it's easy to neglect all that in the frenzy of modern living.
You need to reignite her mojo before you suggest she grows her hair and generally lives a little.
If she responds to none of these overtures you're going to have to sit her down and explain why you're unhappy. At least you can then say, hand on heart, that you've tried to resolve the issue sensitively - and, indeed, romantically.
If she refuses to address the issue I would suggest marriage guidance counselling. Mutual respect is essential for a happy partnership, but it's clearly in desperately short supply in your household.
• Email your problems to Rowan - rowan.pelling@dailymail.co.uk
QUESTION: When I met my wife she was fun, attractive and naughty in the bedroom. But since we married and had kids she slobs around in a tracksuit, has let her dyed blonde hair revert to its natural mouse and cut it short, as it's 'easier to maintain'. She always seems too tired for sex - not that I really want it with her any more. We are living more as housemates than lovers. Is there anything I can do?
ROWAN SAYS: So, you married Marilyn Monroe, then woke up one day with Waynetta Slob? This is a frequent source of marital disharmony. Indeed, after I offered advice in this column to a woman who said her husband had stopped making love to her after they married, there were numerous online comments from males who suggested the cause may be the wife's own lack of effort.
One man wrote: 'My ex-wife turned into a complete slob after we married. She piled on the weight and when I mentioned it to her she said: "Does it matter? We'll be having kids soon and I'll be putting on weight naturally." I did have children, but not with her.'
Those were the days: When he first met his wife, she was 'fun, attractive and naughty in the bedroom' - essentially Marilyn Monroe
Another man said of his ex: 'She put on two stone when we married and she stopped wearing dresses and high heels in favour of combat bottoms, a gilet and masculine shoes.'
There will be quite a few women shifting around uncomfortably as they read these words. I can think of only one wife of my acquaintance who is groomed, feminine and fragrant every day. After 26 years her husband is still as devoted as if she were a child bride. So there's probably a lesson there somewhere.
[caption id="" align="alignright" width="233" caption="Letdown: Since we married she slobs around in a tracksuit... not unlike Waynetta Slob"]
[/caption]However, most of us find our vamp alter ego is ever so gradually consigned to high days and holidays after marriage - particularly true when you have small children.
Affectionate marriages generally resolve into an entente cordiale where a little mutual dishevelment is a sign of relaxed intimacy - and you both make an effort when it truly counts. Furthermore, many men I know declare their wives look most beautiful when they're scruffing around in casual clothes and no make-up. So there are no hard and fast rules.
Having said that, I've always thought it's a big danger signal when a woman has children and suddenly cuts her hair and starts dressing asexually. Many men feel threatened enough by the idea that they might be totally supplanted in their wives' affection by babies.
Then there's the question of whether you're criticising your wife for slatternly behaviour, while slumping on the sofa with a beergut and the remote. I'll take it on trust, shall I, that you're the kind of man who religiously clips his nasal hair, works out, helps with the children, and never neglects Valentine's Day or the concept of foreplay?
If so, you have a very justifiable complaint. I do think it's a downright insult to your other half to make no effort to be attractive or vivacious. In such circumstances men often feel relegated to a status somewhat lower than the family hamster.
Some female readers may be getting cross at this point. Women will often cite children, work and domestic drudgery in defence of their more slovenly ways - I've done it myself. But my mother had five children and a pub, yet never put my father second.
How much effort does it really take to occasionally put on some glad rags or nice lingerie or shave your legs? Losing weight is a harder task, but few men are too judgmental about curves if their wives are affectionate and fun.
And is it really beyond any wife's capability to initiate sex sometimes? Surely it's impolite to treat one's husband like a dirty old bed-sock?
So, how to coax your wife out of her tracksuit? It sounds as if she has lost both her personal and sexual self-confidence, so a barrage of criticism will make her feel even more insecure.
Could you plan a special event, such as a night at the theatre, that demands some sartorial effort? Make a fuss about how attractive she looks and how desirable you find her when she dresses up. Ideally, the evening should have an erotic finale.
That should prompt her to put on the razzle more frequently. And how about a little light flirtation around the house? Banter, caresses and direct eye contact are the lifeblood of relationships, but it's easy to neglect all that in the frenzy of modern living.
You need to reignite her mojo before you suggest she grows her hair and generally lives a little.
If she responds to none of these overtures you're going to have to sit her down and explain why you're unhappy. At least you can then say, hand on heart, that you've tried to resolve the issue sensitively - and, indeed, romantically.
If she refuses to address the issue I would suggest marriage guidance counselling. Mutual respect is essential for a happy partnership, but it's clearly in desperately short supply in your household.
• Email your problems to Rowan - rowan.pelling@dailymail.co.uk
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