Eddie wanted desperately to have sex

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with the hot girl at work, but she had a boyfriend. One day Eddie got so desperate that he went to her and said, "I will give you $1000 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him shocked and said, "Hell no!" He said, "I'll be real quick; I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend over to get it, and I'll be finished by the time you've picked it up!" She thought for a moment and told him that she had to ask her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask the guy for $2000. Pick up the money really really fast, and he won't even have time to get his pants down!" She agreed and accepts the proposal. 2 hours go by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend to call back. Finally after another fifteen minutes he calls and asks, "What the hell happened?!" Heavily panting, she managed to reply, "It's all in quarters!"

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

A boy asks his dad: "What's the difference between theory and reality?" His dad replies: "Go ask your mom if she'd sleep with the mailman for a million dollars."

The boy asks his mom and she says "heck yeah". The boy returns to his dad and says "Mom says yeah."

"Okay, now go ask your sister the same thing."

The boy asks his sister "Would you sleep with the mailman for a million dollars?" Without blinking an eye she says "In a heartbeat!"

The boy goes back and says "Dad, she would too."

"Son, that's the difference. In theory we're sitting on 2 million dollars, and in reality we're living with a couple of whores."

A woman answers the door and her husband's best male friend is standing there. The friend asks if her husband is home and she tells that him that he is not. The guy asks her if she'll have sex with him for $5,000. She thinks about it and says sure. So they do. Later in the day the woman's husband calls her and asks if his friend Tom came by? She confirms that he did. Oh good he says, then he must have paid me back the 5k that he borrowed.

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me", our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

"OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

From rec.humor.funny.

 

A man walks into the bar and orders five shots of 20-year-old whiskey, lined up across the bar. The bartender raises an eyebrow.

"You sure about that? Those are $30 each, and you won't even taste them."

"Absolutely. If you had what I've got, you'd be slamming drinks, too."

"Alright, it's your money."

The bartender pours five shots and places them on the bar in front of the guy. He pounds them all, one after another, then asks for another round of the same. He pounds those just as fast as the first five. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him.

"Hey, buddy--I don't want to pry... but what do you have, anyway?"

"Seven dollars."

An American girl decides to see the world and packs up to go live abroad. However, she comes upon some hard times and takes up a part time job working in a European bar to help make ends meet. One day a man, noticeably American, walks into the bar. The girl, feeling a little homesick, decides to strike up a conversation with him. She feels a lot better hearing about how things are back in America and finds his company comforting. As the conversation dies down, the man offers her a proposition.

"If I pay you $1000, will you have sex with me?" The girl, was naturally taken aback. "Listen," he says, "I know you're having a rough time financially, so think of this as just another side job to help ends meet." After thinking about the proposition, she decides that she needs the money and agrees to sleep with him.

The next night, the guy returns, again with the same proposition. This continues on for a total of 5 nights.

On the 6th night, the man returns to the bar, but is noticeably cold towards the girl. She tries to strike up a conversation with him to disrupt the atmosphere.

"I've been sleeping with you for 5 days, and I realize I don't know that much about you. Where are you from?" she asks. "Birmingham, Alabama," he responds.

"Get out of here! I'm from Birmingham! Which part of town?" "Up on the northern part of town, off of the highway," he said. "Really, that's where my dad lives!" she exclaims. "I know," he says. "I'm his neighbor. When I told him I was traveling here, he gave me $5000 to give to you."

Abby and Connor are about to get married, and the night before their wedding day Abby comes to see Connor. She's distraught, and Connor asks her what could possibly be the matter on the night before the happiest day of their lives. Abby says, "I have a terrible confession to make! Long before I met you, my family was falling upon very hard times, and for a little while I had to make my living as a prostitute."

Connor leaps from his chair, incensed. "Impossible! No way that we can be married now. I thought I knew you, Abby !"

Abby bursts into tears and cries out, "But why, I love you and it was so long ago?! Can't you love a woman who once, out of necessity, was a little bit of a whore?"

Connor calmingly sits her down, patting her shoulder and looking relieved. "Oh, all is well. For a second there, I thought you said Protestant."

<

A rich, handsome man approaches a woman, offers her $1 million dollars to sleep with him. After thinking about it for half a second, she agrees.

"Would you do it for $20?" he then asks.

"What do you think I am, some kind of whore?"

"We've already established that, I just want a better price."

Churchill had a good sense of humour. He once showed up to a dinner party slightly intoxicated and a Lady Something-Something addressed him "You Sir are drunk!" whereto Churchill replied "That might be true Madam but tomorrow I'll be sober while you'll still be ugly".

At one dinner party a woman said to Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee." Churchill replied to the woman, "And if you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Traveling businessman sees a gorgeous girl in the hotel bar. He approaches her and discovers she a very expensive call girl. She explains that it's $5,000 for her to come up to his room. The guy walks away, he can't afford it. After a few more drinks, he gets the nerve up to empty his bank accounts, pays her, and says come up to my room in five minutes, no sooner, and slips her the key card. So, true to their agreement, she waits five minutes and slips into his room. She's shocked to find him feverishly masturbating into a handful of tissues. She says "Hey what are you doing? You just paid me $5K to come up here."

He answers "That's right, for $5K you don't think I'm going to let you have the easy one, do you?"

A man comes home from work and for no real reason he has bought his wife a bunch of flowers. She is instantly suspicious of this spontaneous gesture and wonders what could have prompted it. He hasn't upset me recently, he can't have lost his job and there is no way he is having an affair. "I know" she says, convinced she has worked out what he wants "I am going to be on my back all weekend with my legs in the air" "Why?" he asked, somewhat puzzled "Don't we have a vase?"

A young attractive couple are down on their luck and decide the easiest way to make some money is to have the girlfriend turn tricks. So one day the boyfriend reluctantly drops his girlfriend off on the corner and says "good luck!".

Later that day he comes back to pick her up and she gets into the car. He says, "how did you do?". She says, "I think I did pretty well, I made $200 and 50 cents.". He says, "What asshole paid you 50 cents?". And she replied, "All of them".

A woman reads in a magazine that bathing in milk is good for the skin. She leaves an order for the milkman for 25 gallons for the next week. The milkman sees the order, and thinking she has mistakenly written 25 instead of 2.5, he decides to ring the doorbell and ask. He says "It says 25 here, but I think you meant to write 2.5...just checking." She replies, "No, I meant 25. I'm going to bath in it, it's good for the skin." The milkman says, "Understood. Would you like that pasteurized?" She says "No, just up to my tits...I'll splash it on my face."

Husband and wife are having a discussion.

-Honey... could you fix the lights please?

-Do I look like an electrician?

-What about the toilet... could you fix that?

-Huh? I'm not a plummer either.

-Maybe the car then? We really need that.

-Sorry, not a mechanic.

-Fine!

The next day everything is fixed, so the husband asks the wife...

-How did you do it?

-Well... I asked our neighbor. He said he'd do it if I baked a cake for him or had sex with him.

-So? What kind of cake did you bake?

-Do I look like a cook?!

There was this woman who went to the doctors cause she was complaining that sex with her husband wasn't up to par. So the doctor recommended some sex pills and told her to give him one, have sex that night and come back to him with the results.

The next morning she went back to the doctor's and said "Well, the sex was much better but to tell you the truth it could be alot better." So the doctor said, "Give him him three tonight and come back to me with the results"

So she did that and the next morning she told him about her experience but said the same thing. "The sex can really be better, Doctor." So the Doctor said "What the hell, give your husband the whole bottle."

The next morning the woman's son bursts into the doctor's office. He grabs the doctor, and starts screaming. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DAD?!"

The doctor tries to calm him and asks him why he's so angry.

"My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my asshole hurts, and my dad's laying on the couch saying 'Here Kitty, Kitty.'"

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!